The Most Important Relationship Is the One You Have With Yourself

The biggest ROI in my life as CEO, entrepreneur, woman and spiritual being—and 5 actionable questions to get you going on the road to life-lasting fulfillment, success and growth.

Author Marcela Gómez, CEO of Culture Shift Team, shares a lifetime of wisdom on how essential it is to prioritize the relationship you have with yourself.

If somebody told me when I was younger that, at 57, I would be flying solo around the country on a five-month digital nomad lifestyle while I did work I love as CEO of my own company, I wouldn’t believe them. 

I had rigid notions of what “success” looked like and hadn’t started asking myself what success really meant for me (much less asking what success looked like for every individual person and how those might be different answers). 

And honestly? It wasn’t too long ago when I started diving into the nitty-gritty of existential questions for myself—after all, it’s not like our society encourages “knowing yourself” as part of your career path, right?

Like most of us in American society, we are drip-fed a picture of success that doesn’t really light our souls on fire. We live most of our lives on autopilot, working hard without feeling fulfilled. We are taught we should be “grateful” for what we have materially, regardless of the costs to our psyche or well-being. 

This can cause us to struggle in staying true to ourselves in every area of our lives. 

Before I had life-altering experiences well into adulthood, I struggled with following what others thought I should believe religiously and politically. It felt there was something wrong with me when I was following the beliefs of others. Since all of us are born in a certain culture, to a human family where parameters and definitions already exist and with family around us who can be pretty “set in their ways” it’s difficult to see that you can explore outside of those boundaries.

In my case, following their ideal life path was not in the cards for me. 

I had rocky moments in school, didn’t immediately go to college since I didn’t know what I wanted to do, got pregnant, then got married, my husband left me with a son, became a single mother while moving to another country, got married again, got divorced again, etc. If you wanted to take a black-and-white negative approach to my life, you’d think “Wow, what went wrong?” 

That’s exactly what I thought too, except I was thinking “What did I do wrong?” 

When I look back now, I know that my soul was in many ways trying to wake me up from this idea that I had to fit into a certain pattern of life. It was trying to show me why all this internal struggle was happening within me. 

That’s when I thought wait a minute, I’m going to have to look at who I am and start talking to her, find out what makes her happy and what brings her peace. 

So began my mission toward peace as a form of growth in life. 

Before I get around to what I ultimately discovered about myself, here are the top 5 questions I’d ask myself if I was intentionally on the journey of knowing myself earlier (I still ask some of these today!).

1. What do I really want to be doing with my life every day?

This is not an easy question to ask and an even harder question to answer. 

Here’s what I know: 

• We are not infinite and we have only one life

• We get to create our days, even if it’s just the tiniest parts of them, to our liking 

• It is not “irresponsible” to be even thinking about this question 

I guess the real questions are these: Can I truly be honest with myself? If I find even half-answers to these questions, am I willing to lean toward those answers every day? 

I know that if you can be truly honest with yourself, you will be able to find that tugging you feel toward your true purpose and let it guide you in some way, big or small. 

When I started looking into this, I started realizing I wanted to know who Sylvia Marcela really was and wanted to discover who she wanted to become and what she was struggling with, striving for and what she really thought and felt about everything. 

What you’re really looking for by answering these questions is if you can step outside of who you were taught to be and make a small, but monumental, mindset shift into knowing that this is a continuation of a lifelong journey of growth. 

For me, this journey is one of discovery—let’s find out who Marcela really is. 

Point in check? I’m even doing this now, as I leave my comfortable and incredible New York life to travel around for five months with two suitcases—to give space for deeper discovery within me. It truly is never too late to uncover new or old things about yourself. 

(I’m just grateful this is happening during fall and winter and not summer where AC in friends’ houses is not set up for a woman in menopause!)

2. Who am I trying to impress?

I find as the years go by, my wondering doesn’t cease. I don’t know if these thoughts on how to live my life are because I’m getting closer to 60 or not. But I do know a story that both enrages and breaks me that has helped me get clear on them. 

I used to have a client who was a community leader, loved by many, a philanthropist—successful in any way you can imagine. He was 70 years old when he committed suicide. 

It was so unexpected to me, as an observer of his life, and I got angry. Why did this happen? What are we doing to ourselves? Who are we trying to please? 

That last question I asked myself for a full month in 2009 before I gave up my house to pay for my son’s education. I kept telling myself these “facts” that I am a homeowner and a single mom, but all these labels come in to make you pretend that that’s who you really are. 

Who are you trying to impress? 

Oh my God, the answer was me. I was trying to impress myself by keeping a huge house to myself. I thought then that this is ridiculous, it’s absurd. No one cares where I live, whether it’s an apartment or a house! 

This has given me the strength and knowledge to live with no official home for five months so I can work toward another dream.

So another question comes to mind then: is the ultimate goal me buying a condo or two or is the ultimate goal my growth? 

The preparation I was giving myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically is for my growth, not a condo.

Because I don’t know what’s going to happen five months from now. If the goal is to find a condo or whatever that material thing is for you, if it doesn’t happen or if something changes, am I going to feel like a failure in five months' time? Am I going to be disappointed with life or myself? 

3. Which core beliefs are aligned with my true sense of self? 

I used to fight a lot with my version of God before 2012. 

My version of God was the man who sits on a throne in heaven and loves us unconditionally, however, is always looking for where I fail. Wait, what? I think now this image of God is born from a mix of born-again Christianity, Catholicism and Capitalism - the three C’s.

I used to have several fights with this God, like: Why did you make me this way and then ask me to be different? I thought you created me to be this person and now you’re asking me to be this other person? I’ve had two husbands and I’m trying to find that perfect Christian husband so why isn’t it working out? 

So it becomes really heavy then because I think it’s me. If I’m doing all these things that I’m supposed to do in order to have this certain successful life path, then what am I doing wrong?

For me, it became an internal struggle of always feeling like I was failing. 

It wasn’t until I turned 48 and had a breakthrough moment in my yoga class where I understood fully there was nothing wrong with me. The turning point of my life was now standing firmly on that truth and living it. 

I don’t need a savior. I am unconditionally loved and I am who I am and who I want to be. 

This led me to understand that my relationship with God, family and friends all had to come from the seed. And the root had to be my relationship with myself. 

For me, my faith-based and culture-based upbringing and its subconscious teachings were part of my core beliefs that I needed to tweak in order to feel fully aligned with my true self. Without looking into these core beliefs deeper, you find yourself being a people-pleaser, being two-faced, or flat-out just struggling with yourself and continually wondering who you are. 

It might be a religion or a culture or philosophy for you, so I encourage you to poke around a bit and see where are places you can tweak or altogether switch around so that you feel more at peace and aligned with your authentic self. 

4. What brings me peace? 

When I think about what makes me go to bed every night in peace and wake up in peace, I don’t view anything as adding or taking from my life. It just is. 

Every day I don’t look at life at what’s missing but ask myself if today is a day that I have peace in my life. Is today a day that I am honest with myself? Is today a day that I can look at Marcela in the mirror? 

I remind myself that Spirit and my soul are living the life of Sylvia Marcela Gómez for such a time as this (my mantra). I want her to have a life that she’s proud of and happy with and a life that’s never in the thought process ever again that she’s lacking something or missing something or that something is wrong with her.

It’s been a whole process to get to where I am now. And I am not done.

Thoughts that have held me back from intentionally building a healthy relationship with myself in my culture went like, Oh Marce is so pretty and so successful but she hasn’t been able to secure a husband and she’s not a homeowner and I mean, she’s 57! 

I had to really look at those thoughts from others and myself and ask well, what does that really mean? Do we have to do anything at all on Earth or can I continue to live my life just as it is and enjoy every movement, flower and walk, and not burden myself with the stress of doing something, like I’ve got to make more money, got to launch this, got to be at this event—it can be exhausting. 

I look at our lives, especially those of us living in the USA, and this is the “Live your passion! Wake up at 5 AM! This is what successful people do and read!” eternal, cyclical message that’s shoved down our throats every day. But is this really giving me peace?

Is the goal of our lives to die with the crown of success on? Or is the goal of my life to die with the crown of peace?

5. What can I start doing today as an entrepreneur to find that relationship with myself? 

For any of you budding business owners or entrepreneurs out there, my greatest advice to you is to simplify. 

Especially if you identify as a woman or other minority entrepreneur, society barks at us and turns the heat higher for us to not only be successful but also to be role models for everyone and to get everything perfect. No mistakes. No “figuring it out” or saying “no” to any single opportunity that comes our way. 

These are layers added to the onion of “following the right path” that ultimately become part of our thought process, burden and questioning. Use it to question what you’re doing. 

Release that stress from yourself and only say “yes” to the things that feel aligned with your goals and soul. Remind yourself that every path looks different. 

We are also in a culture and society that, in general, doesn’t allow you to look or give permission to look within and be who you really are. 

The heightened scrutiny of not being “busy” all the time or of managing your calendar so that it’s absolutely filled up at every moment of the day in order to be well-known, famous, or trending—it’s bullshit. 

All of those things you think you have to do in order to “make it”—well, let me tell you something:  in the process of doing all that you lose who you are. You forget yourself, you don’t give time to yourself to evolve or grow. 

These questions about finding yourself aren’t taught to us. You have to gift yourself that space to explore.

I would say to make sure you celebrate all the milestones and all the wins, big or small, and to make sure you remember what you have already accomplished because that will give you the fuel to keep going. I would tell you to remember if you always compare yourself to the folks next door you are either going to think you’re a failure or think you’re better than them. Two equally damaging paths. 

So, simplify in order to find yourself. 

I’ve learned that if I lived my life the way I want to live it and prioritize my relationship with myself, then perhaps I can be an example to someone who hasn’t given themselves permission to do so. That’s why the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one of all. 

My relationship with myself is ongoing and it’s lovely. No one makes me happier than me. I am not strict with myself and I take the time to do what brings me joy—whether that’s to meditate one day or read a few chapters of a book in bed another day, or sometimes not do any of that. I tell myself this is what I want to do at this moment, without guilt and without pressure. 

I take the time to find and implement my peace on the daily and give myself the grace to move forward lovingly. 

So, what did I find? Who am I?

I am a spiritual being having a human experience—that’s who I am. 

I am totally in love with who Sylvia Marcela Gómez Peña is. At the end of this life when my conscious spirit looks back on it, I want her to know that she’s a kickass, amazing woman and that’s the way I want to honor her as I live my life. 

I get to know her more and more every day. I get to watch her more and more every day and discover what triggers her, what makes her smile, and what makes her sad among many of life’s journeys. 

At the end of these five months, and for the remainder of my life, I don’t think I will see 100% who she is. 

I don’t know how long I’m going to live so I think the discovery is an open discovery if we are openly intentional about it. I am discovering who that psyche and persona that we are living through really is and how we can help that persona grow and evolve and really live a full, rich life. 

A key element to this is knowing that persona is not right all the time. 

We, as humans, fail—a lot. Confronting the reality that we aren’t right most of the time is essential. We only see things from our own perspective, experience and options. Knowing that we’ve made many mistakes and will continue to throughout our lives will make us have that humility to say. “I could be wrong.” 

This is a powerful part of discovering the relationship you have with yourself. 

I can guarantee taking a good look in the mirror and asking yourself: Am I creating space in my life to be my truest self? Do I know who I really am? Will yield incredible thoughts. 

If you feel inclined, find the time to really ask yourself these five questions.

See what you surprise yourself with or knew all along. You are capable of creating a life where you feel your soul, mind and body are aligned and are giving you peace and fulfillment. 

Like me, easy or clean answers aren’t guaranteed when asking such mega questions as “Who am I, really?” since we are beings who are in a constant state of change and growth. But know these are answers that point you toward the path of growth and peace, and you can let yourself take that road. 

At my company Culture Shift Team, we have a proven framework to align your company’s goals so that you and your team can feel at peace knowing you are actually moving the right needle forward toward long-standing success and growth. 

Come chat with us if you’d like to see a lifelong ROI of holistically investing in yourself and your company—we’ll handle the research, the data, the multicultural marketing and diversity, equity and inclusion work and implementation so you can look forward to doing meaningful work while you see results.